Our Rules of Engagement
If you know anything about doing work around any kind of privilege, you know that it can be time consuming, energetically draining and require a huge amount of emotional labour.
Because of this, it’s important to have very strong boundaries both for yourself, for the work, and those interacting with it.
For this reason, you will find below our ‘rules of engagement’ for interacting with this website, our social media, our team or any of our content.
Any interactions that are not in alignment with these rules of engagement will simply be deleted and users blocked.
Any resistance to this is likely to be a form of your privilege or fragility coming up (which is very common). We invite you to use this as an opportunity to explore further your feelings of entitlement to be able to interact however you want to, even when it crosses another’s boundaries. It is possible to use this as a doorway to understanding better where the patterns of privilege live inside you, and therefore how to begin dismantling them. Your work has already begun.
Your comfort is not the priority
When engaging with this kind of work, it is important to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This work is uncomfortable. It is difficult and painful to recognise the consequences of these systems, and our part in them. As someone who holds a certain level of privilege, we become used to the level of systemic comfort that comes with it. So we are not used to being uncomfortable when it comes to the subjects of racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, classism etc. because the system normally serves to protect our comfort above all else (including other peoples’ rights, wellbeing and even lives). If you are uncomfortable, good. It shows that you are really doing the work, rather than staying somewhere that feels good to you. One of your responsibilities in engaging with this work is to learn how to increase your capacity to be with a greater level of discomfort without running away, pushing back, collapsing or making it about you. Any time you do any one of these things, you are retreating back into the comfort of your privilege. And every time you do this, you are complicit in the system that is actively protecting you and actively harming others.
Do your own work
Notice where you are asking others to do the work of educating you (normally for free) and to invest emotional labour for the benefit of your learning and development. Look for what you can do without asking others around you (especially those who do not hold the same level of privilege that you do). Google is your friend. There are millions of articles about systemic oppression. There are a myriad of books, social media accounts and courses that you can use to learn. There re people who you can pay to teach you about these systems and dynamics. Every time you lean on someone who does not hold the same level of privilege that you do to educate you, you are upholding the very system you want to learn about dismantling. You are asking them to put time, energy and emotional labour into teaching you about a system which actively costs them time, energy and emotional labour to simply exist in our culture and at the same time actively benefits you in terms of time, energy and emotional labour (in the areas where you hold privilege). Notice where you expect their help or support – this is where your systemic privilege has taught you that you are entitled to the support of others, irrespective of the cost and consequence to them.
As a man, the system is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to change it
As a (cis/het) man, you are not personally responsible for the creation of the system that is costing us all so dearly. You did not put it together, you did not choose it, you are paying a price for it too (in different ways to those who do not identify as (cis/het) males). But as our societal system routinely offers benefits to you (as well as the costs you experience), with no benefit and only cost to others who do not identify as (cis/het) men, as you are complicit in the system unless you are actively dismantling it, as (due to the system) you have more social power to actually change it (as other men are more likely to listen to you than they are to those who do not identify as men, as you (generally) have more physical power, as you have more social resources due to the benefits of this system), it is your responsibility to do so. BUT you do not have the perspective to be able to effectively do this without listening to, and following the leadership and guidance of those who do not hold the privileges that you do. They are your teachers. They are your guides. They will show you aspects of this system that you would never uncover on your own.
Don’t dismantle the system because we need you to, do it because YOU need you to
This system is killing us all in very different ways. There will be plenty of resources on this site explaining the multitude of ways that the system routinely penalises and costs those who do not identify as (cis/het) men. But we are not the only ones affected by this system. The effects to you are just more subtle, deeper, less obvious, and take a longer period of time to reveal their deadly consequences. This system is at the root of why men are facing so many health and mental health issues, including suicide rates…due to the denigration of culturally perceived ‘female attributes’ like emotions, needing to talk, needing emotional support or reaching out for medical help, advice and guidance. Add to this the rise of toxic masculinity (also a consequence of this system) which further harms men’s physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. All of these things (and many others) have roots in this system…and we need to dismantle it for all of our sakes.
Value and pay those who are educating you in this work
Doing this work as someone who does not hold the same level of systemic privilege as you do, is exhausting. Not only does it take time and a lot of energy to teach this work (especially when the barriers of privilege more often than not have you needing to demonstrate and prove WHY what you are saying is true, rather than simply being believed, listened to and trusted), but doing so means constantly having to navigate the harm being done by those who do not yet understand the system and how their behaviour consistently impacts those who do not hold the privilege that they do.
It is emotionally draining, and we need to regularly take time to heal and regroup from the constant barrage of both microaggressions and seriously harmful incidents that are part of simply existing in this culture and the system that drives it, when you do not hold systemic privilege. Do not expect us and others who do not hold the privilege that you do to educate and support you in this work for free. This is further utilisation of them for your benefit.
Value them. Pay them.
And realise that you are not just paying them for the time they spend with you. You are paying them for all the work they have done to be able to teach you. For the unlearning of this system that they have had to go through themselves. For the time, energy, healing and money that dealing with the emotional impact of your behaviours on them costs them (yes, it costs us money to be away from work regrouping after the impact of dealing with someone else’s lack of awareness of their own privilege and the impact it has on others).
De-centre yourself and your feelings. This is not about you…except when it is.
When you have been raised in a culture which has consistently given you the messages that you are the default, the norm, the priority in comparison to others who are not like you, very often you are used to making everything that happens in life about you. How it feels to you, how it has affected you, what has been done to you. You are used to getting the priority when it comes to social resources like space (physical space, energetic space, verbal space etc.), time, focus, attention, support, comfort etc.
When doing this work you need to make it simultaneously all about you and nothing about you.
It is all about you only in the sense that you have to make every single interaction in this work about you, your privilege, your dismantling. That is the only way in which it is OK to make it about you.
You are entitled to your feelings and you need to process them (as mentioned below) but they must NEVER be the centre of the focus, attention or discussion.
When it comes to who and what is at the centre of the discussions in this work, the answer is those who are most affected by these systems of privilege. So the people who need to be getting more of the social resources like space (physical space, energetic space, verbal space etc.), time, focus, attention, support etc. are those who hold the LEAST privilege. The feelings of THOSE people need to be in the centre of concern, of the discussion.
Part of the work of dismantling privilege is understanding the spaces where you, your opinion, your voice, your presence, your feelings, your beliefs, your ideas, your rights, your comfort comes last. And if you are truly doing this work, the answer is most spaces.
Unless you are using your presence, body and voice to dismantle the system in a way that truly supports those who don’t hold the privilege you do.
Take care of your own needs so you can stay engaged and effective in the work
One of the most important responsibilities in doing this work is to increase your capacity to be with the discomfort of the work in order that you can stay in it, and stay effective in the work you’re doing. One of the most effective ways of doing this is to ensure that all of your needs stay consistently met, in order that you have the internal resources to be able to be with the discomfort of this work without running away, pushing back, collapsing or making it about you…because you already have everything you need. Where you hold privilege, meeting your own needs consistently in effective ways (in a way that is not dependent on your privilege or systemic oppression) is one of the best ways to ensure that you are able to prioritise the needs of those who do not hold the privilege you do, because yours are already being met in ways that do not harm others.
In addition to this, in the areas where you do NOT hold systemic privilege, being able to consistently meet all your own needs in effective ways increases your internal resources and therefore your ability to cope with existing in the system as it currently is, while we are in the process of changing it. This does not make the system OK, it merely provides a means for coping with a system that is not OK.
Finally, where we hold privilege, the perception that one or more of our needs will be compromised by changing the system is one of the biggest barriers to fully engaging in this work. If all of our needs are being consistently met in effective ways, it removes this barrier and enables us to show up as a more effective ally.
Exceptions do not disprove the rule
Exceptionalism is one of the common tools use to attempt to refute systemic oppression. But just because there are exceptions, does not change the reality of the systemic issues that we are facing. If you are truly man who does not fit some of the patterns being described here (and we ask you to really investigate closely, with the help of outside perspective from people who both do not hold the privilege that you do AND have been doing work to dismantle where systemic privilege exists in our culture who might be able to see blindspots that you cannot, whether this is objectively true), then it is in some ways even more important for you to understand the reality that women and those who do not identify as cis/het men systemically experience in order that you can show up in allyship and use the power of the privilege you hold to be a force for change. The phrases “I’m not a man like that,” “I know men who aren’t like that,” “I know women who aren’t bothered by that,” or “I know women who tell me that’s not me” seek to distance yourself from the systemic issue or deny its existence. Doing this just serves to position you as one of the ‘good ones’ rather than recognising where you are complicit in the system by not being a part of actively dismantling it or denying its very existence. The system exists. Your ability to see it, or not, in no way validates or invalidates that fact.
Check your own fragility and H.U.D.D.L.E behaviour
Patterns of fragility and H.U.D.D.L.E. behaviour are an intrinsic part of dismantling systemic privilege and oppression. It is not a question of whether they will show up for you, but when and in what form. So educate yourself about these patterns of behaviour and the ways that they manifest, so that WHENEVER the topic of a system of oppression in which you hold privilege you can continually check yourself and your behaviour to address where and when they show up. Be on the look out for where you are withdrawing from the conversation, defending yourself or others like you, attacking those who are either pointing our or not conforming to the systemic power dynamics as they have previously existed, centring yourself (or your perspective, your emotions, your upset, your need to be understood, your need to be heard, your need to prove you’re right…or any other aspect that is about you not the person harmed), ask for justification or proof of the systemic issue, refusing to believe what you are being told, making yourself out to be the victim of the situation, ignoring or avoiding the situation, trying to make our intention (rather than our impact) the most important factor in the dialogue, trying to prove that we are not racist/sexist/ableist/classist/homophobic/transphobic/xenophobic/etc. through whichever means necessary (‘I have lots of black friends’, ‘my wife’s friends think I’m the most feminist man they know’ or any other justification), making the ‘call out’ of our harmful behaviour about a simple ‘misunderstanding’ and further trying to explain, justify, defend what we were saying (often resulting in doubling down)…or any other of the multitude of ways that these defensive patterns show up. Usually, the core of any of these behaviours is a means to attempt to in some way diffuse or reduce the discomfort that shows up when these topics are raised, when it is in the discomfort that our true learning and growth exist. If it makes you feel more comfortable (even temporarily or marginally), the chances are it’s a pattern of fragility or H.U.D.D.L.E behaviour.
Come with curiosity
The belief that we ‘know’ is the biggest barrier to learning anything. It shuts down our openness to take on new information and perspectives. And in spaces where we hold privilege, we are taught that our way is the ‘right way,’ we are taught that our perspective is the most valid, the most valuable and the most likely to be right (in relation to those without the same privileges that we hold). Ours is the default. In short, we think we know. But when it comes to topics of privilege and systemic oppression, because the nature of privilege means that it is hidden most from those who hold it, is to remain those who hold the least privilege that actually know the most about it. Of course there are exceptions, and those who hold the least privilege who have also done more work on researching and exploring these topics will know more than those who have not explored it at all. But simply from their lived experience they are more likely to be able to see and recognise privilege dynamics than those who hold the privileges that they don’t. What this means is, the more privilege you hold, the more you must assume that you do not know. This is incredibly difficult and uncomfortable when you have been raised in a society that has taught you that you know more/better. But the extent to which you are willing to continually remind yourself that you do not know, that you cannot inherently ‘see’ these things due to the way that privilege works and to come with curiosity is the extent to which you will succeed in dismantling where these systems of oppression live inside you. Come first with curiosity. Look for where it IS true, rather than where it isn’t. And where you do not understand, ask if people are willing to help you to understand more (rather than trying to show them where they are wrong, or you are right) and if they are, be prepared to value what they are offering and pay them accordingly for it.
Impact over intent
Having good intentions does not matter in this space. The only thing that matters is your impact. If you had harmful impact, whether you meant to or not is irrelevant. If you accidentally reverse over someone in a car, the fact that you did not mean to does not in any way reduce the physical, emotional and mental harm to them, nor the amount of time, energy and effort their healing will require. So when you have harmful impact, it is your responsibility to apologise, address it, learn how to not do it in the future and make amends with those you have harmed.
An apology is the beginning, not the end
An apology by itself does nothing. It does nothing to minimise the harm to those harmed. It often only serves to make the perpetrator feel better. What happens AFTER an apology either gives it meaning or strips it of meaning. If after an apology work is done to make amends, support the healing of the harm already done, to learn how to not repeat the situation and to put those learnings into immediate action, the apology has meaning. If nothing (or little) is done after, and the situation is mostly ignored or forgotten by the perpetrator, it means nothing. PLEASE NOTE: Often apologies do nothing to change or help the harm that has already been done. It is VITAL that meaningful and effective effort be put in to to help the healing that is required for the harm already done.
Radical Self-Responsibility
You and you alone are responsible for how you choose to show up and interact. You are fully responsible for your words, actions and behaviours in this space, for where you choose to use them, and where you choose not to. You are also responsible for learning and doing your own work to ensure that you show up both here and in the world in a way that not only does not do harm to others, but supports the marginalised in a way that actually feels supportive to them and actively dismantles the systems that are costing us all. The more privilege you have, the more social power you have and therefore the more responsibility you have for actively dismantling these systems.
Radical Self-Reflection
You are responsible for continually looking at yourself and where you are contributing the issues being discussed here. Look critically at yourself and discover: What do I not know about this? Where am I creating this dynamic? Where is my thinking incorrect about this? Where do I still need to learn? Where is my privilege getting in the way of my being able to see this clearly? Where do I feel entitled in this situation? Where is my fragility showing up? What un-earned benefits am I getting in this situation due to the privilege(s) I hold? What do I need to apologise for? Where do I need to stop talking and listen? Where is my conditioning stopping me from believing others when they are sharing their experience? What work do I still need to do to dismantle these systems inside me?
Radical Self-Accountability
You are to hold yourself accountable to showing up as a decent human being. The only way to do this is to be continually, actively dismantling where the systems living inside you are preventing you from doing so. You are to hold yourself accountable to this work and to showing up in this way irrespective of who is present, or whether there are others who will hold you accountable for your behaviours. You are to hold yourself to the standard of behaviour that you, those around you and the world deserves. You are allowed to be human, and you can still do better.
Radical Courage
It takes radical courage to do this work. The courage to continue to lean in, even when it is difficult. The courage to face that which is deeply disturbing, horrific or uncomfortable. The courage not to retreat into the safety and comfort of your privilege and ignore what you have learned about this work. The courage to continue to show up. The courage to figure out how to increase your capacity to be with the uncomfortable, so you can continue to show up, even when it is tough. Do not turn away when it is hard. Figure out how to increase your capacity to be with ‘hard’ so you can lean in further and deeper.
All emotions are welcome and necessary in this process
All emotions are welcome and must be fully felt and processed in the course of doing this work. You may experience guilt, shame, anger, rage, grief, disappointment, frustration, hopelessness, indignation, sadness, helplessness…the list goes on. Every one of these emotions and any others you experience in this work must be faced, felt and mindfully processed. It is YOUR responsibility for healthily processing your emotions, and to do so with people who hold the same privilege(s) that you do. OR to pay someone who does not specifically to support you in processing them. Do not put the responsibility on those being cost by the system you benefit from (due to your privilege) to support your dismantling of where it lives within you.
Own your own emotions
Doing this works requires a level of self-awareness. It is important for you to own and name the emotions that you are feeling as you are feeling them, and to then take responsibility for processing them effectively so that they do not bleed out into this space or any other space where people who do not hold the privilege you do exist.
If you do not own your emotions, they will own you.
And it is others who do not hold the same level of privilege that you do who are likely to pay the price for this, as your unacknowledged and unprocessed emotions combined with your unconscious bias are likely to have you show up in a way that is harmful to them .
Don’t do it for ‘the cookies’
A lot of people engage in anti-sexism (and anti-racism, anti-homophobia, anti-transphobia, anti-ableism etc.) work because they want to feel like a ‘good man’ and they want to be recognised by others in their life that way too. They engage in the work (at least in-part) for the gratitude and acknowledgement they believe they will receive by doing so. Doing this work is simply about learning how to be a decent human being. Doing this work is a path through which you can reclaim the aspects of your humanity that the system we are living in has unknowingly stolen from you. Doing this work is a path to stop the harm that this system is doing to both men and those who do not identify as male. You will not be rewarded by others for being a decent human being, but the benefits both to you and others around you for doing this work are priceless.
This work needs to be proactive, not reactive
A lot of people wait to do the next piece of anti-sexism (or anti-racism, anti-homophobia, anti-transphobia, anti-ableism etc.) work until the next time they make a mistake and another person points it out. Doing this work is your responsibility, do not rely on the people in the world around you to be your educators as to the places where your behaviour is harmful or where you are not showing up as an ally. To be truly doing this work, you need to be consistently, actively seeking out the places where the system lives inside you and seeking to educate yourself as to how to dismantle it BEFORE you cause harm to others, not after. Unless you are engaging in this work proactively, you are choosing to allow yourself to cause harm and the pain to others for the benefit of your eduction…in short, you are using them and their pain for your benefit, and so are actually perpetuating this system, not dismantling it. By simply reading this website you are aware you have blind spots. It is your responsibility to consistently and actively look for them, not only address them when someone else points them out.
Recognise that your privilege means that you cannot fully understand the problem, and by extension the solution
The systems of privilege at work in our society actually operate in such a way that they are largely invisible to those who hold privilege. It is hard for us to see the problem clearly, let alone understand what it would take to solve it. So when you think you might understand the problem, go deeper, look further, research more. When you are ready to propose a solution, that is a moment to listen more to those who understand the solution better than you do, and to do deeper work on your own privilege (as the belief that you could come up with a meaningful solution to a problem that you are incapable of fully understanding is another aspect of privilege). Most importantly, realise that you are not the best placed in our culture to be able to offer meaningful, effective solutions that will actually address the many, many different layers at play here. This work must be done with an intersectional awareness. It must be done in a way which creates equity for ALL. If it is not for all, it is not equity, it is another systemic imbalance and oppression. Which is why Black, Asian, Indigenous and other women of colour are better placed than White women to create meaningful solutions, those who sit at the intersections of race, sexuality, gender, and physical ability are even better placed. We need to listen to those with the least systemic privilege who are doing the work, as they have the perspective that we can never hold and never fully understand either.
We do not need ‘rescuing’ or heroes
There’s a lot of perception that we need ‘rescuing’ from the system that routinely costs those of us who do not hold male privilege.
But the desire to rescue or to be the hero is more about your ego, than about the wellbeing of those you are attempting to help. It is another way to feel good about yourself rather than further face the complicity you might have with system and spaces where the system still lives inside you. It is another way of distancing yourself from those ‘bad people’ who are explicitly sexist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic, ableist (etc.) and to position yourself as one of the ‘good ones,’ when the question should always be not ‘is this system inside me?’ but ‘where does it live inside me?’
The saviourism dynamic just further perpetuates the idea that those being ‘saved’ or ‘rescued’ do not have the ability to do so for themselves, that they are in some way weaker than or less than those doing the rescuing, and need for those with the power of privilege to save them from their plight.
We do not need rescuing or rescuers.
We do not need heroes.
We need allies.
We need accomplices in dismantling the system.
Accomplices know when to speak up, and when to stay silent.
Accomplices know when to put themselves between those harming and those being harmed, and when to step out of the way.
Accomplices know to listen more than speak.
Accomplices know that it is not about them. Unless they are doing the work of dismantling where they system lives within them or being a part of dismantling it in the wider world.
Do not let perfectionism get in the way of you taking action
Not wanting to make mistakes is the thing that stops a lot of people taking action in this work. It has them stepping back, waiting until they know the ‘right’ way, staying silent until they know the ‘right words.’ Here’s the thing. It’s not a question of if you make mistakes, it’s a question of when. The best thing you can do is learn FIRST what to do when you do make a mistake, how to cope with doing so, how to deal with it, how to process it, and how to make it right. When you do that, the fear of not knowing what to do when you f*ck up (which you will) will stop you from getting into the ring and actually doing what needs to be done. In this culture, and this system, silence is violence. When you stay silent you allow violence to continue. You are complicit in it. So, do your best, learn what you can to avoid making mistakes, learn how to deal with mistakes when you make them, and get in the ring.
No bypassing
Bypassing is any kind of behaviour that seeks to have you avoid facing the reality, the discomfort, the impact of the behaviours you (or others) have done in alignment with the system. It prioritises your comfort over the need to dismantle the system. It prioritises your comfort over the harm done to others. It allows you a short-cut to feeling better, when feeling the discomfort of your actions (or inactions) is the thing that is likely to best hold you accountable to changing the behaviour and the system that made that behaviour in any way perceived as OK. There are many different kinds of bypassing, including avoidance, spiritual bypassing and personal development bypassing. We will share many articles addressing these different bypassing techniques, but anything that allows you to jump to a place that feels more comfortable rather than facing the discomfort of your behaviour, and the impact it has had on another is not welcome here.
The only listening that matters is real listening
Often when difficult or contentious issues are discussed, people listen only to respond or refute. This is not listening, it is a combat strategy. It is a way of trying to convince the other that you are right and they are wrong, or a way of seeking to simply state your perspective again. When it comes to privilege, as we have said before, the more privilege you hold, the less you can assume to know about it. Therefore it is even more important for you to engage in REAL LISTENING.
When we talk about real listening, we reference a quote by Alan Alda,
“The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous.
One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed.
Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of duelling monologues.”
Look for truth first. Look for even the slightest possibility that they might be right exists. Look for where your view of the world might have been clouded by your privilege. Look for how you can understand more. If you do not understand, or agree, the only question to ask is, “would you be willing to explain that further please?”
Face the consequences of your privilege
You will not be shielded from the consequences of the system or of your behaviour.
Part of the process is seeing, owning and feeling the consequences of your actions and those like you.
The outcome is to be able to face and feel the consequences of this system, without running away, pushing back, collapsing or making it about you. Recognising your feelings are important and need to be processed (away from those who do not hold the same privileges that you do), but that in these dynamics the emotions of the marginalised are more important.
It is about them, not about you.
The more you are willing to face the consequences of your privilege with curiosity, a desire to understand, gratitude for learning more about where the system lives within you and a desire to dismantle the system that created them, the better.
Become hungry to see these internal blindspots and to dismantle them, because every single one is one more step closer to regaining the humanity that the system you were born into has stolen from you.
Stay focused on the outcome – it’s worth it
It is very easy to get caught up in the challenges and discomfort of this work and think that it’s too hard, that it’s impossible, that we’ll never get there, that it’s not worth it.
But it is worth it.
If ever you find yourself wavering, remind yourself why we are doing this work.
Everything being shared here is in the interest of breaking down the barriers between us, and creating more love and connection. More trust. Deeper bonds. Better relationships.
This is the goal. This is the Outcome. And it IS possible.
And it is worth it.
It is ALWAYS worth it.
Recognise the gift this is, and come with gratitude
Initially, this might seem like a bit of a stretch, but this work is a gift. Probably the most precious gift you will ever receive. Because every single step you take on this journey brings you one step closer to reclaiming the humanity that has been unknowingly stolen from. you. Every single step brings you closer to being able to have relationships with the women in your life (and those who do not identify as cis/het men) where they feel TRULY safe, where they feel TRULY seen, where they feel they can TRULY trust you, where with NO RESERVATION they WANT to get closer to you, they WANT to be in relationship with you, they WANT to give even more of themselves in relationship with you. Every step gets you a step closer to stronger, deeper, more loving, more connected, with a bond of trust the likes of which you have never experienced before. Every single thing that is shared with you in the course of doing this work is a gift. We are putting time, energy, effort and emotional labour into helping you understand how to know, be and do better. All of that is a gift for you. Your future. Your relationships. Your wellbeing. The moment you can shift from seeing this work as criticism or blame and recognise that it is the most profound gift you can ever receive is the moment your life and relationships with those around you who do not identify as (cis/het) men will begin to forever transform for the better. That is something to be grateful for, as is every step that gets you to that point.
We believe in you.